Meu olho esquerdo

Ninguém consegue enxergar de fora, mas meu olho esquerdo, perfeitamente castanho e claramente alinhado com seu irmão direito, é cego. Hoje vejo que é ele que me ensina a enxergar para dentro enquanto o direito me cuida para fora.

Foi com 10 anos quando contei para a minha mãe que eu brincava com as cobrinhas que nadavam de um lado para o outro, quando olhava para o mar azul do céu. Ela me levou no oculista que disse que eram, na verdade, protozoários que apesar de poderem brincar em qualquer parte do meu corpo, gostavam de nadar nas águas do meu olho esquerdo e que ao fazerem isso, comiam o tecido nervoso, que como uma coluna vertebral quebrada, ficaria paralítico só que dos olhos. Meu olho esquerdo me fez ver que o olhar adulto ia me esclarecer coisas que iam tentar acabar com minha  poesia.

Sempre que tinha uma crise de toxoplasmose, corria para ver o Doutor Daniel, um anjo, que me adotou como o filho que não teve. Ele dava um jeito de me atender em seu apartamento, a hora que fosse e conseguiu, através do sistema de saúde do governo, viabilizar um tratamento de tecnologia Europeia; um laser que metralhando disparos dentro do meu olho, construía barricadas, impedindo o ataque do bicho ao quartel general; o centro da minha visão.

Meu olho esquerdo estava me fazendo ver a esperança e me ensinando a lutar, com coragem, experienciando o amor incondicional daqueles que são ou que te adotam como família. Mas apesar de tanta compaixão e resistência, o inimigo, que por uma razão mística, só se manifesta no olho, e no esquerdo, achava seu rumo em direção ao coração da vista, destruindo tudo no caminho. Aos 20 anos já estava seguindo cegamente as orientações do Pai João de Aruãnda, que além de banhos, passes e várias cirurgias espirituais, me pediu uma peregrinação para a Igreja de Nossa Senhora de Aparecida, em busca de um tal óleo bento e ainda, aproveitando, comprei no freeshop da igreja um olho de cera, que coloquei devidamente rezado em uma de suas câmaras. Meu olho esquerdo estava me fazendo olhar para a espiritualidade, caminho infinito que me convida a entender e respeitar as forças do invisível que, acredito, sustentam e equilibram o mundo material.

Quando tinha vinte e poucos estava na sala do diretor geral da novela Malhação, da imperial Rede Globo, que disse que tinha um papel ótimo para mim – naquela época, eram as portas dos céus se abrindo para um jovem ator nessa idade, minha vida financeira e artística resolvidas para todo o Sempre – mas que queria saber se tinha um olho de vidro! Estava tendo uma crise e parece que era visível no monitor de vídeo do meu teste. Petrificado, expliquei meu drama. Ele disse para não me preocupar, que o

papel era meu. Não peguei o trabalho e mesmo não sabendo o exato porque, culpei meu olho, que implacavelmente estava me fazendo enxergar a desilusão, a dor da perda, o longo e amargo gosto da frustração, e a necessidade de aceitação; meu olho esquerdo estava me fazendo ver que a vida não é feita do que não nos aconteceu.

O doutor Daniel decidiu tentar o coquetel para  pessoas com Aids, que conseguiria de graça pelo SUS, para que minha resistência imunológica não deixasse mais esse monstro invadir meu olho. Éramos eu, minha mala de remédios e minha depressão. Entre uma pílula e outra lia o Livro dos Espíritos de Allan Kardec, um livro que me preenchia de sentido, com inteligência, bom senso; ciência! Dai um dia me deparei com um capítulo que dizia que podíamos dormir como alguém e acordar numa outra existência, em outro plano como outro ser, voltando a sermos  nós mesmos pela manhã, com toxoplasmose!…Só fui retomar a leitura anos depois.

Meu olho esquerdo me fez olhar para a paciência, me fez enxergar que o entendimento dos mistérios da nossa vida precisa de tempo e fé para se revelar. Aos trinta e um, uma preta velha disse que havia “uma cura” disponível para mim, que fosse a um médico. Não encontrando mais o Dr Daniel, fui a uma médica que disse que tinha uma catarata precoce decorrente dos colírios faixas pretas que pinguei a vida toda tentando afogar esse ET que vinha abduzir meu olho e que operando, minha visão poderia voltar um pouco, mas que meu foco central já estava comprometido, o que explicava não enxergar o rosto de ninguém ao tampar o direito. Com trinta e sete anos finalmente operei no Instituto Benjamim Constant no Rio de Janeiro e recuperei um pouco da minha visão periférica da esquerda do olho esquerdo, que me devolveu esse tanto de visão ainda que parecendo um quadro impressionista.

Mas mesmo quase cego, meu olho esquerdo  ainda me fazia ver que se deve aceitar e agradecer toda a dádiva que lhe for oferecida, por menor que pareça ser.

Hoje, carimbado como “visão monocular” na carteira de motorista, enxergo essa trajetória  como um longo caminho de mim até mim mesmo, conhecendo lugares imensos dentro do meu ser, que me foram revelados pelo meu olho esquerdo, meu farol para Deus, meu lado oculto da lua, meus pensamentos e sentimentos lúdicos e tudo aquilo que não vejo com meu olho direito, que não por isso é menos importante, (que ele não me deixe nunca, aliás), para que tenha sempre a dança entre invisível e visível, dentro e fora, luz e sombra me mostrando os dois lados da existência para que possa saborea-los como um Todo.

CAETANO O’MAIHLAN Ator e poeta a serviço da comunicação horizontal, inteligente e afetiva cae.omaihlan@gmail.com

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Parabens, comecou bem hein, Caetano? rsss

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